348: Boundaries for Breakthroughs: The Upside of Self-Imposed Limits

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Courtney Townley 0:00
Welcome to the Grace and Grit Podcast made for women who want their healthiest years to be ahead of them, not behind them. Join your host, Courtney Townley right now. As she breaks down the fairy tale health story, you have been chasing all of your life, indispensable action steps and lasting change.

Courtney Townley 0:28
Hello, my friends, and welcome to the Grace & Grit Podcast. This is your host, Courtney Townley. And as always, I am delighted that you’re here. And we are on the precipice of another brand new year. So at the time of recording, we are entering a new year, which is going to be 2024. And what a privilege that is right?

Courtney Townley 0:48
Not everyone gets the privilege of entering a new year. And what you may find, what you have probably found is that around this time of year, as we’re closing one year about ready to begin another one, the air is thick, with sales pitches, convincing you that you need to sign up for a new diet or a new exercise program or get some new piece of equipment or take a new pill. There are sales pitches, convincing you that these are the solutions to what I call your integrity pain. But you and I both know those things aren’t the answer. These things are not the answer to sustainable change. You’ve been there you’ve done that you’ve tried these things on and you know, they don’t work for the long haul.

Courtney Townley 1:36
Now please don’t hear me saying I don’t think you should develop a consistent exercise program. Of course you should. Or that you shouldn’t eat a diet that is really rich in nutrients. And you know all the good stuff. Of course you should. But what actually allows us to be sustainable with practices like nutrition and exercise actually has very little to do with nutrition and exercise. It has everything to do with how strong and consistent your self leadership practices are. So what are strong self leadership practices?

Courtney Townley 2:14
Well, things like choosing consciously to think about yourself and what happens in your life in a way that lifts you up rather than beats you down. Strong self-leadership is making decisions based on the best of what you know about yourself without second guessing yourself, or playing the Compare and despair game with everyone in your orbit. Strong self-leadership is inviting all your emotions to the table. Yep, all of them. So you don’t spend any unnecessary time or create any unnecessary suffering in your life by trying to eat or drink or Netflix your emotions away. Strong self-leadership is setting boundaries as an act of love and respect for the relationships that you have in your life, including the relationship that you have with yourself. Strong self-leadership is seeking out joy and pleasure in things that promote well being rather than rob you of your well being. Why am I telling you all of these things that self-leadership includes? And that’s just the shortlist, by the way, right?

Courtney Townley 3:28
There’s a lot more that is included in strong self-leadership. But I’m telling you this because as we close 2023 many people as we close any year, a lot of people start considering or reconsidering the path that they want to travel to improve their health and well being in the coming year. And if that’s you, my greatest piece of advice is that you seek out programs that help you to lead not follow. Seek out programs that help you to build robust self-leadership skills, not just check a bunch of boxes that might have worked for someone else’s life. And if you need a resource for a program that helps you with self-leadership skills in the wellness arena and well beyond consider joining us inside of Rumble & Rise next year.

Courtney Townley 4:27
The best deals on annual membership for Rumble & Rise which is our membership community for Grace & Grit is happening right now. And these packages actually include a lot of private coaching, so one to one coaching and this is the only time of year that I offer these packages. So not only are these packages being offered now that they are being offered at the lowest rate you will ever see them at and we actually have already started this sale for our current members and it has been a wildly The successful sale so far, lots of people are interested in these packages. So if you are someone who has been contemplating joining Rumble & Rise, and you would like the added support of some private coaching with me next year to get the most out of your experience, make sure you check out this deal. All right, so you can head on over to graceandgrit.com/holidaysale, you can also just go to graceandgrit.com/readytorumble and you will find the same information.

Courtney Townley 5:34
Okay, so let’s move on to today’s topic. But I did want to start off by telling you about that, because I would hate for you to miss it if it’s something you’ve been waiting for. So today, I would love to explore with you this topic of self imposed limitations. Because often when we talk about self imposed limitations, we talk about them kind of the dark side of them the negative side. And self imposed limitations are actually not always a bad thing. Establishing limits for yourself can actually be a kindness, a form of self respect, a form of self care, even a form of self love. And so in this episode, today, I would love to just explore those waters with you, specifically, the dark and bright side of self imposed limitations. Why you owe it to yourself to set limits on how you spend your resources, like time, energy and mental bandwidth. And even talking a little bit about constraint as a form of self respect, and even self love. And I would also add that we’re going to talk a little bit about how to say no, in a world that is begging you to cut constantly say yes to everything, and so much more.

Courtney Townley 6:56
So let’s start with this, just the fact that we are living in a world of so much opportunity, which is a beautiful thing. And a pretty darn overwhelming thing. I always bring up the example of going in to pick out a color of paint and a paint store. There’s not just 50 colors to choose from, there’s 5000 colors to choose from. And you could go to 50 different paint stores and get 1000s more, right. Our options these days are endless. And then there’s this consistent messaging coming at us all the time that we can be anything and do anything, and do everything. And to make things even more complicated. We have false pleasure at every turn available to us. So false pleasures are things that give us a really powerful dopamine hit really quickly without a lot of effort. So this is, you know, the really salty, fatty, sugary foods. It is Netflix saying it is the shopping. It is the alcohol. I mean, dear Lord, there is no shortage of false pleasures in the world today, right? There’s so much of all of this so much opportunity, so much false pleasure, again, so much pressure to be all things to all people at all times. And without setting boundaries for ourselves, which is what self imposed limitations can be. We end up spinning faster and faster and getting absolutely nowhere. So modern life without self imposed limitations is a surefire way to stay stuck and create a whole hell of a lot of integrity pain. So let’s define what a self imposed limitation actually is. It’s simply a boundary produced by you a self protective mechanism.

Courtney Townley 9:07
And I believe that self imposed limitations are pretty synonymous with things like self discipline, constrained boundaries, right? Like all of this goes along with self imposed limitations. And like I said earlier, there’s a harmful side of course, to self imposed limitations, but there’s also a really helpful side. So let’s explore the harmful side first. The harmful self imposed limitations really show up in the form of beliefs, or constraints that individuals place on themselves, often without a solid basis that can really get in the way of their personal growth and success. So let’s review some of the harmful self imposed limitations and you may be familiar with Several of these, perhaps all of these, first up negative self talk, this is a big, harmful self imposed limitation. constantly telling yourself that you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not capable enough, can literally create a self fulfilling prophecy. So when we are constantly beating ourselves down verbally, we have low self esteem, we lack confidence. And it really limits our ability to take on challenges in our life. Another harmful self imposed limitation is the fear of failure.

Courtney Townley 10:37
Right, a fear of failure can prevent people from taking risks and trying new things. It can lead to the reluctance to pursue opportunities that can actually result in really great things in our personal and professional lives. But we don’t pursue them because we fear the negative outcomes. But y’all know the only way we succeed in life is by stacking failures. So absolutely, having a fear of failure can be a self imposed limitation, perfectionism, anyone familiar with that one big, harmful self imposed limitation. striving for perfection in any aspect of your life is paralyzing. The fear of making mistakes or not meeting impossibly high standards can prevent you from taking action and completing tasks and ultimately hindering progress on the things that you say are important to you. limiting beliefs about anything about you about what happens in your life, about money about relationships. limiting beliefs, can result in a lot of scarcity mindset, and make it really challenging to develop health in almost every area of your life.

Courtney Townley 12:05
Procrastination, that’s it really powerful, harmful self imposed limitation. Chronic procrastination can actually limit productivity, I think we would all agree on that. And it prevents the achievement of long term goals. Because we keep putting off the tasks due to fear of failure that we talked about earlier, or lack of motivation, which can lead to a lot of missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential. We play the social comparison game, that is a self imposed limitation, we’re constantly comparing our life, our journey, our success to other people’s to the point of feeling like we aren’t measuring up. And that of course, our self confidence takes a hit for that. And we don’t progress along the path to our own goals. A fixed mindset can be a harmful self imposed limitation. So believing that your abilities and intelligence are fixed traits that cannot be developed or enhanced, really prevents you from being able to learn and grow and overcome reliance on your comfort zones. Right. So staying within your comfort zone may provide a sense of security, which is why a lot of us like to stay there. But it can also limit possibility in your life. So it limits you from what might be possible. A lack of self care is a self imposed limitation that is harmful.

Courtney Townley 13:46
So neglecting your physical, mental, emotional health can lead to a whole lot of burnout, and really hinder your overall progress in your life or even your life satisfaction. So failing to prioritize self care can massively limit your energy and your creativity and your resilience in the face of challenges. So I’m sure everyone listening to this has the experience of encountering all of those harmful self imposed limitations, right? We’ve all danced those dances. So let’s talk for a minute about the healthful self imposed limitations. What does that mean? Because a lot of us have never even considered that we’ve always considered that self imposed limitations are always negative. And what I’m saying here is that they actually have a bright side. So while self imposed limitations are genuinely genuinely viewed by a lot of people as restrictive, There absolutely are instances where setting intentional boundaries ECE can be massively beneficial for personal well being and success. So here are a few examples. setting boundaries around how you manage time, right with your time. Setting limits on time spent on certain activities or commitments can help maintain a really healthy life, especially a work life balance, right. And this might involve scheduling breaks during your work hours, or designating specific times for relaxing and being with your family. This is something that I am currently sick in the rumble of. And I always feel like I’m rumbling with this to some degree. But I’m at a point in my business where there are certain projects that I really, really, really want to pursue. And in order for me to actually give them the time and energy they require, means that I’m going to have to set limits in other areas of my life.

Courtney Townley 16:06
Now, I don’t want those limits to be with my family. So they have to be in other areas of my business. There are some projects I am going to have to remove from my plate to allow other projects to fit in. Another really great example of a helpful self imposed limitation is something like a digital detox. Right? I’ve done we’ve done so many podcasts about digital detoxing, and why it is so healthy for the humans to step away from technology. But establishing boundaries on screen time, and social media can really contribute massively to your health and well being. taking breaks from the constant onslaught of digital connectivity can reduce your stress and improve focus on real world interactions. Setting limitations intentionally with financial budgeting, right, how you spend your finances. Now I know budgeting isn’t for everyone doesn’t work for everyone, not everyone believes in budgeting. But having some way of organizing and staying intentionally awake of how you are utilizing resources like finances can massively reduce stress. Right and help us be more responsible for the future.

Courtney Townley 17:37
Making healthy lifestyle choices. These are great self imposed limitations. Choosing to limit unhealthy habits, like excessive consumption of processed food, sugary drinks, sitting at your desk all day can contribute to hugely improved mental and physical well being saying no. Learning how to set realistic goals. Selective information intake, right I always talked about that term info obesity, we’re living in a time of so much information. So setting limits on the information that you are actually allowing in to your orbit can be a really healthy thing. setting boundaries in relationships, learning how to delegate. All of these are examples of helpful self imposed limitations. And what’s so interesting, and I’ve always found this really interesting in the line of work that I do is that we often struggle to implement helpful self imposed limitations to the point that we feel that we need someone else to parent us. Someone else needs to tell us what to do. Or to establish our limits for us to abide by them.

Courtney Townley 19:11
But the problem with that is when we look to other people to parent us as adults, we eventually start to rebel against it. At some point, the inner toddler is going to come out and start to push back. Because we don’t want to be told what to do. So if you truly want to create sustainable change in your life, which let’s face it, that’s why everyone listens to this Podcast. I’m not saying everyone listens to the Podcast, but those of you who do listen to this Podcast, you listen, I’m guessing because it’s a Podcast about sustainable change, not just making big change, but making big change in sustainable ways. And in order to do that, we have got to learn how to parent ourselves. See?

Courtney Townley 20:01
And what does it mean to parent yourself? Well, it means that you are able to impose limitations on things that are causing you harm. Now, I do this for my kid all the time, right? My kids got just in the middle of eighth grade. And definitely he is, you know, slowly kind of turning that corner where he’s going to start parenting himself a little bit more. But there are certain things in his life that I need to set limitations around. Because he isn’t necessarily in a position to regulate himself. Well, for example, video games, cell phone, use, candy, these are things that I let him do as much as he wants, he would spend his time doing nothing else. But I have to get clear as an adult, on where I am rumbling to regulate myself. And then I also need to take responsibility as the adult who is going to regulate myself, I need a parent myself. I can’t expect anyone else to do that for me.

Courtney Townley 21:18
So how do we do that? How do we start parenting ourselves? Basically, meaning, how do we start imposing more limitations that are helpful and stop engaging with limitations that are harmful? That’s a part of parenting ourselves, right? So here are some ideas for how you could start down that pathway. Number one, I always say this, but it’s probably always going to be my number one, right? You got to ask yourself some good questions. So when it comes to limitations, self imposed limitations that you have in your own life right now, these are some really great questions you might want to ask yourself, are your self imposed limitations intentional? Because here’s what I know for sure. Most harmful self imposed limitations are not intentional. We have not consciously chosen to show up that way. But somewhere along the line, we started practicing that behavior, and then we kind of built a habit out of it. So if it’s not intentional, it is probably not super helpful.

Courtney Townley 22:35
Another great question to ask yourself is, are your self imposed limitations promoting well being? Or are they costing you your well being? This is how you determine between the helpful and the harmful? Are they promoting wellness? Are they robbing you of wellness? Are you looking to others to impose limitations for you? And if you are, I want you to consider how is that working for you? Is it working for you? I’d be really surprised if you answered that it’s working for you in a sustainable long term way. It might work for you for the short term. Well, but is it working for you in the long term? Another great question, are you arguing for harmful or helpful self imposed limitations? That seems like a weird question, but here’s why I suggest it. We often argue hard for the self imposed limitations that are hurting us. I should be able to eat whatever I want. She can have all that alcohol, why can’t I she only gets four hours of sleep, I should be able to do the same thing. I don’t want to have to get eight hours of sleep at night or nine hours or whatever requirement you have for being a functioning human. I don’t like vegetables, I don’t want to have to eat vegetables, right? We’re often arguing for our own limitations that are actually not useful to us. And then what’s even crazier, is we spend a lot of time arguing against the limitations that are actually helpful for us. Right, so all the reasons why I probably shouldn’t eat so much sugar or shouldn’t drink so much alcohol or shouldn’t stay up so late at night. I argue against it. Right? So just considering, am I arguing for self imposed limitations that are harming me. It’s a great question.

Courtney Townley 24:53
Step two, I’m going to say mind your resources. So what I mean by this is when resource availability is low in terms of time, energy and mental bandwidth, we will often, by default, lean on self imposed limitations that don’t do us any good. So that’s where our negative chatter gets really strong. We don’t abide by our own boundaries, where we just compromise and negotiate our way out of all of our commitments. So if you don’t stay honest with yourself about your resource availability, you will find yourself rationalizing that you don’t have any willpower to stay the course with the boundaries that you set up in your own life. Because you’re too tired, it’s effort to protect a boundary. It’s effort to say no to something that in the moment you would like to say yes to. But you know, for your long term success, you need to say no, and you’re not going to have the wherewithal to say no, when you’re exhausted, tired and hungry. If you are always ending the day feeling unsuccessful, I would argue that you probably need more self imposed limitation in your schedule. And what I mean by that is, if you are the person who is always over committing to the point of looking at your schedule, at the end of the day, and feeling like you weren’t successful, because you didn’t get everything crossed off, you need to be more realistic with the resource availability that you do have. You’re over committing your expectations are too high. So once you tone that down, you limit how much you can accomplish in a day. Strangely, you’re probably going to feel way more successful. And then I also wrote that we you want to reframe the way you think about helpful self imposed limitations.

Courtney Townley 26:51
We don’t like telling ourselves no, we don’t like having to constrain ourselves at all. I know a lot of people that can’t stand the word self discipline, which I just find so interesting, because to me, it’s just an extension of self love. Right? Saying no to myself once in a while, is actually a really healthy thing. If I drink as much as I want, eat as much as I want watch as many Netflix shows, as I want shop as much as I want all the things, I am not going to be well. So when we we can reframe the boundaries we set for ourselves by reminding ourselves that No, makes way for yes. So when you are telling yourself when you’re setting a limit for yourself around something, what is that actually allowing you to say yes to? So saying no, right now to watch and get another episode of whatever Netflix show I’m in or whatever Netflix series I’m in? What is that actually allowing me to say yes to tomorrow? By saying no to another glass of wine, what is that allowing me to say yes to later. No makes way for yes. I also would reframe by reminding you that less allows for more. So when I have less work projects on my plate, I am actually able to give more to the projects that I commit to. When I have less clothes in my closet, I am actually able to spend more time on things that really are important to me, rather than doing laundry. I would also reframe by reminding you that we simplify to amplify. So any spaces and places in your life where you can simplify, you’re probably also going to see that area of your life start to expand. So simplify to amplify that as a way of reframing limitations that we put on ourselves or boundaries that we place in our own life.

Courtney Townley 29:08
And then the final thing that I wanted to just final step I wanted to give you in terms of helping you to implement more self imposed limitations that are actually helpful to you is be willing to rumble with discomfort. So inevitably, when you set a boundary for yourself, you are going to have an urge to break your own boundary. But resisting an urge creates an uncomfortable moment. Right? It’s just uncomfortable for a moment. We’re as indulged, indulging in every urge creates uncomfortable life. And this is the world we’re living in. Where I feel like so many of us are We’re indulging at every turn in every opportunity that is available to us. And then wondering why we feel so terrible, and why we’re so unsatisfied with our life, and why we aren’t really spending time on the things that matter most.

Courtney Townley 30:19
So all this to say self imposed limitations absolutely can be an act of love. And I hope that this just inspires you to consider how that might be so. And look, no one is saying that your entire life should be a practice of constraint. But my company name this Podcast name is Grace and Grit for a reason. I always say self love without self discipline, does not create health. Just like self discipline, without self love, does not create health, we need a little bit of both. And self imposed limitations. applied in a healthy way is really that grit in the title of this Podcast. So where might you need to lean into a little boundary setting in your own life.

Courtney Townley 31:19
As I always say, what you need to set boundaries around is probably radically different than what I need to set boundaries around. But that’s part of parenting yourself. Now, if you need help with this, if you need help with those self-leadership skills that I kind of talked about at the beginning of this Podcast, if you need help with the type of work that we talked about in this episode today, definitely consider joining us for next year inside of Rumble & Rise, it’s going to be an amazing year. Our theme is going to be life by design, and we have so many incredible skill sets that we’re going to cover and masterclasses that are going to be introduced and I’m just really excited for it. So I’d love you to partake in it. You can find out more details by going to graceandgrit.com/holidaysale. Alright my friends take care.

Courtney Townley 32:11
Thank you for listening to the Grace and Grit Podcast. It is time to mend the fabric of the female health story. And it starts with you taking radical responsibility for your own self care. You are worth the effort and with a little grace and grit anything is possible.