277: How to show up for yourself on the regular.
Ever notice that you consistently show up for the things you care about?
How about yourself? How consistently do you show up for yourself?
If you laughed and rolled your eyes at that last question because YOU are the very thing you keep sacrificing for all those other things you care about, this podcast episode is for you.
Welcome to the Grace and Grit Podcast made for women who want their healthiest years to be ahead of them. Not behind them. Join your host Courtney Townley right now. As she breaks down the fairy tale health story, you have been chasing all of your life, indispensable action steps and lasting change.
Welcome to the Grace & Grit Podcast. This is your host, Courtney Townley. As always thank you for being here. It really does mean a lot that of all the podcasts in the Great Big Sea of podcasts, you chose to listen to this one, I hope you’re doing awesomely well.
I just returned from a road trip with my 12 year old son, which was magical. Just a mom and son trip for seven days. And I’ll be honest, my son is getting to an age where I just want time to slow down. And since I know it won’t, I have had to intentionally slow down myself to soak in this incredibly special time in his childhood, which is not easy, like not easy by a longshot. Because I feel like I’m living in a phase of life, where there are just so many demands. So I literally created a container where I was going to spend time with my son, I put us in the car for 40 plus hours together. And it was probably one of the better decisions of my life.
We went through four states, we traveled over 2500 miles. And that trip will stay with me for the rest of my life. And I’m sharing that with you today because the trip was not convenient to go on. I had a lot of reasons or rationalizations for not making time for this trip. It was really challenging to try to juggle everything that had to happen in order to make that trip possible.
And of course, it cost me resources, it costs time, it costs money. And I didn’t know how it was going to turn out. Like let’s face it. Sometimes the idea of being alone with your child can be terrifying, right? Because you don’t know what kind of mood they’re going to be in, especially at this age. My son, and I’ve never traveled together alone for that length of time, we’ve always had his dad with us. So there was just some risk taking there.
So why did I do it? Because we show up for the things we care about. Because we take risks for the things that we care about. Because we’re willing to get uncomfortable. For the things that we care about. We’re willing to experiment for the things that we care about, which ties into what I want to talk about today. Which is really the topic of why you don’t do these things for yourself. Why don’t you keep the promises that you make to yourself? Why don’t you take risks for yourself? Why don’t you go after the things on your heart? Why aren’t you willing to get uncomfortable? And the answer isn’t really complicated.
There’s definitely nothing wrong with you. You simply made a habit out of not doing those things, which I always tell my students is the greatest news ever. Because it means that you can change if you want to. You can change your practices at any stage of life.
I had a client tell me recently, Courtney, I just don’t understand why I don’t make myself a priority. And she was saying that in a way that I could tell she was making it mean that there was something wrong with her that she was not making herself a priority that she was flawed in some way. And I know there is no way she is going to make herself a priority from that space. So I told her what I’m telling you.
The only reason you haven’t been making yourself a priority is because you haven’t been practicing making yourself a priority. She has been practicing making her kids a priority. Her career a priority, her partner a priority. But she has yet to put herself on that list. And here’s what I know.
She has very compelling reasons for making those other things a priority. Her kids her career her party dinner. She thinks about those things differently than she thinks about herself. And she has spent so much time cultivating those relationships, that the relationship with herself is the thing that she felt she needed to sacrifice in order to do that.
And she has lost sight of the fact that the common denominator in all of those relationships is her. If she isn’t, well, if she isn’t feeling like a vibrant human, all of those things will suffer. So this is what I want you to hear.
We consistently show up for the things that we care about. Really chew on that for a second.
Consider for a moment the spaces and places where you show up, day in and day out, without fail. Do you make your bed every day? Do you brush your teeth every day? Do you go to work? Even though you don’t feel like it? Do you feed your pets? Where are the spaces in places that you show up consistently.
And now I want you to consider why you do those things. Because you have very compelling reasons for doing those things. You know why those things matter to you. And there’s some way you are benefiting. On the other side of that thing. When you feed your pet, they stay alive. Right?
When you brush your teeth, you get to keep your teeth in your face. Right and you you’re more pleasant to be around. When you go to work. Even though you don’t feel like it, you get to bring home a paycheck.
I recently bought a new car, which is kind of a big deal. Because I haven’t had a new car since I was a gosh, I think I was probably in my early 30s. I’m now in my mid 40s. So we’ve been on the hunt for a long time for a new car. And we happen to buy a new car in December that I absolutely love. And every single week, I take time to clean out my car and organize my car and wash my car, all the things. Because I really love and appreciate this car. I want my whole life to feel like this car. And so I take really good care of it. Because I appreciate it. And I value it.
And I hear what I’m saying. I’m speaking to something very materialistic. And it is my goal in life to help as many women as possible to treat themselves equally as well, if not far better than they are treating their cars or their houses or their jewelry.
So if you have not been showing up for yourself, I want to offer that it is very likely it that it is stemming from one of two things. Number one, you never think about yourself. You never spend time with yourself. You don’t have much of a relationship with yourself because you’re always putting your attention elsewhere. Which we could easily rationalize is a really selfless thing. Right?
And the other reason you may not be showing up for yourself, is because of the way you think about yourself. So maybe you lack a sense of self worth. Maybe you find yourself constantly looking for evidence for what is selfish or indulgent about your own self care, or why you just don’t have the time.
Can you imagine thinking of feeding your dog each day as an indulgent activity. It’s not indulgent. It’s how we keep the dog alive. Or can you imagine feeling guilty about making your bed each day I love making my bed each day because I really love getting into a neatly made bed at the end of the day. And never once have I told myself a storyline that made me feel guilty about making my bed.
But that’s not necessarily true with making time to go to the gym. or spending time in the kitchen preparing some, you know new recipe or going for a 20 minute walk at lunchtime. I can make up grand storylines, about how indulgent those things are. So why should our self care really be any different than the other things that we’re showing up consistently for?
If you’re someone listening to this, who is thinking, yep, this is totally me. I am consistently showing up in the other spaces and places of my life that I value. But I am the thing that I am consistently not showing up for. I want to remind you that, again, you can build new practices at any time. And new practices begin by getting really clear, on your compelling reasons for developing new practices.
So when it comes to self care, I really think that becoming someone who does consistently show up for herself who does consistently honor her own needs starts with mending the relationship that you have with yourself. Because many, many women that I work with either have a very challenging relationship with themselves, sometimes toxic relationship with themselves. And some women just don’t even have a relationship with themselves, because they just simply aren’t making time for that.
So we start by spending some time with ourselves, right carving out time in our week in our day. That’s just for us to be with ourselves. And, and I know some of you listening to that, as like, Courtney, I don’t have time in my day. This doesn’t have to be an epic period of time. We could spend five minutes 10 minutes just checking in with ourselves just saying, hey, hey, Courtney, how you doing today? What’s going on? How can we support you? What do you need from me today? So we have to be willing to get curious about ourselves, about why we’re feeling the way we’re feeling about what we actually need to feel supported in our life, about what we might need to be doing in order to feel better.
And part of mending the relationship with ourselves is practicing, talking to ourselves in a way that is kind and respectful. Because isn’t that how any healthy relationship is forged. You feel respected by another person. And so you want to continue that relationship. You want to deepen that relationship. I want to spend time with people who are kind to me. But a lot of you listening to this Podcast today you do not talk to yourself kindly, you do not talk to yourself respectfully. And then you wonder why you struggle in the relationship that you have with yourself, or you struggle to build any kind of relationship with yourself. Mending the relationship with yourself also means practicing.
And I emphasize the word practicing because it is a practice thinking about yourself in a loving way. One of my favorite questions my students hear me say this all the time is what would love do? How would love respond to this? What advice would love give you? I’ve heard a lot of people use the analogy right? When you’re struggling to give yourself advice or talk to yourself as if it’s your best friend? How would you talk to her or him? And reflect that back on yourself? That’s what I mean. By talking to yourself in a loving way and considering what would love look like here? What would respect look like here? What would kindness look like here?
So if I didn’t show up for myself in some way today, or I made a mistake, or I failed on an epic level or even a small level, what would love to hear? How would love respond? What would be a respectful way of thinking about this? How can I be kind to myself within this? That is not the practice most women I work with have the practice most women I work with have is when things don’t go the way they expected them to go. They berate themselves and judge themselves and bully themselves. And when you are in that kind of relationship, why would you keep showing up? Why would you go the extra mile to spend time with that person, you wouldn’t, you don’t.
So consider doing the opposite. You get to choose to change how you show up in any relationship at any time, including the relationship that you have with yourself.
And here’s the other thing that I think we all need the reminder of, you don’t need to get rid of the other things you care about in order to make room for yourself. You get to have a giving and generous heart for others, and simultaneously take care of yourself. Those two things can coexist. And when you start to get clear on how taking care of yourself actually serves, the things in your life that you are so deeply dedicated to, you’ll be so much more compelled to find a way to fit yourself into your own damn schedule.
You’re doing this all the time with other things. You find a way to get yourself to work, even when you don’t feel like going to because you weigh the costs. You ultimately decide that going to work and having a paycheck is worth leaning into discomfort for. So you’re willing to practice that very important skill set that I’m always reminding you of which is emotional agility. You’re willing to allow discomfort, you’re aware, you’re willing to not feel like going and do it anyway. Because what you want on the other side is so much more important to you than being comfortable in this moment. You find a way to brush your teeth, even though it’s not fun and exciting. Right?
Brushing your teeth is not fun and exciting. It feels pretty awesome when you’re done. I love the feeling of having clean teeth. I love knowing that I’m taking care of my mouth. Especially with all this research that’s coming out about how much the bacteria in our mouth can affect our mental health and physical health. But I digress.
Brushing your teeth is not fun and exciting. But you you still show up to do it every day because you have compelling reasons for doing it. And yet, I often hear women rationalizing. I’m just bored with my food. So that’s why I’m not eating healthy. Right?
Or I just don’t I don’t strength, strength training has gotten boring for me. Or whatever form of exercise they’re doing is it’s just boring. I’m bored. Well, why do you need to constantly be entertained, to do things that honor your care. And I would say one of the reasons behind that is because we’re conditioned by the wellness industry by the diet industry by the fitness industry to pursue novelty. Right, to sign up for the new program to do the new diet.
But the truth is, consistency is not fun and exciting. feeding your dog every day, not fun and exciting. I don’t know why I keep talking about the dog, but it just keeps coming to the top of mind. You feed your children or your pets, even though it’s not always convenient. Even though you don’t always feel like doing it. You adopt the something is better than nothing. So even though you may not always feed your children the healthiest choices. You still feed them something rather than nothing, at least I hope you do. I know there’s obviously situations where that doesn’t happen. But I hope that none of the listeners here.
And I can think of so many nights that My poor husband has had to go out and get dog food at the most inconvenient hours because we ran out and he has 1000 Other things to be doing. He doesn’t have really have the energy to go do that. He doesn’t want to go do that necessarily. And yet he does because of what’s on the other side. We’ve committed to owning a pet. We adore our pet. It’s like our second child. And so he goes out and does the thing. So why when it comes to your self-care Do you compromise so easily? Especially when challenges arise?
Right? So we put the thing on our planner, I’m going to go for a 30 minute walk tomorrow at lunch. But then we forgot our walking shoes. So we convince ourselves that we can’t do anything. Right? Like, how often is that happened. Or maybe you forgot to bring your lunch to work.
And so you convince yourself, like, I’ll just start tomorrow, and you go out to eat, and you order something that isn’t at all going to necessarily honor the health of your body. I think again, we compromise our own self care so easily. When our compelling reasons are not in the forefront of our mind. You are thinking about yourself in a very different way, than how you think about the things that you do consistently show up for.
So you may be thinking about feeding yourself, maybe better food, you think about that differently than brushing your teeth every day. You’re thinking about exercise differently, than you’re thinking about showing up for your children every day. So the whole point of this podcast today is hopefully just to inspire you to consider how you might need to shift your thinking. And also create some time to get clarity about why your own self care is of such value to you and everyone around you. Because this is something I find myself doing time and time again.
You know, when I’m working with clients or students, and they’re committing to some kind of new behavior, I will drill them about why don’t just put you know, I’m going to have a smoothie tomorrow for breakfast on your schedule. I would encourage you to right next to that commitment. Why? Why are you drinking that smoothie for breakfast?
Well, because I want to nourish my body. Because I want to be focused at work, I want to be less reactive with my kids. I want to feel strong in my workouts. Right. And when I remind myself of the reason behind the choice, the reason behind the commitment, I am so much more likely to show up for it.
I have done countless podcasts, about consistency. And about keeping the promises that you make to yourself, I have created an entire course about consistency. I run an entire membership program that helps women to build the practices that will help them to mend the relationships they have with themselves to amend the relationships they have with food and exercise and all the things. And so there are a lot of resources available to you. If you want a free resource. I recommend that you just go to the website, graceandgrit.com. And in the search engine, just type in the word consistency. And you will get all the podcast episodes I’ve done on consistency. The website will show you everything that I have that is based on that topic. But if you’re someone who’s listened to this podcast for a while, some of you I know have been listening for years. And you want to do a deeper dive. There are two ways to do that.
You can purchase The Consistency Code program, which is a four week program. It’s a self study program. It’s made up of four modules. And it is the meat and potatoes of everything I teach everywhere else. It’s 59 bucks, which I think is a screaming deal. When I first started teaching that program, it was far more expensive. But I also wanted to make it more accessible to more people.
Once you purchase it you have access to it for as long as it stays online, which I have no plans on taking it down anytime soon. So for years to come, you will have access to that program.
But I also want to tell you that as a Rumble & Rise member which I talked about every week on this podcast because Rumble & Rise is what supports this podcast. But Rumble & Rise is my private membership community where women really dive into developing the practices of self-leadership in the health arena.
And a part of becoming a member of that program is that you get The Consistency Code for free, and becoming a member is also $59. So you can buy the course by itself, which is $59. Or you can become a Rumble & Rise member, which is also $59 and gives you 1000 more benefits. So those are your options. There’s a lot of free information on the website, there’s The Consistency Code program, and there’s also the Rumble & Rise membership. And if you ever have questions, you can always email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. And I will do my best to answer all your questions. So that’s it my friends short and sweet today, but I think a really important reminder. Are you considering yourself at all? And if you are thinking about yourself and your own self care and your own self needs, how are you actually thinking about those things? Are you thinking about them in a way that is useful to you, or in a way that is actually preventing you from showing up? Have an awesome week and I will see you again very soon. Take care.
Thank you for listening to the Grace and Grit Podcast. It is time to mend the fabric of the female health story. And it starts with you taking radical responsibility for your own self care. You are worth the effort and with a little grace and grit anything is possible.
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